There are many, many things you never hear about Motherhood before you become a parent, and there is a very good reason for this – propagation of the human race. If mothers were completely honest with their daughters and friends were completely honest with their friends, all humanity would slowly but surely cease to exist. Women everywhere would stop having sex to eliminate even the slightest possibility that they could become pregnant and bear one of these little miracles of life we call children.
This is why you never heard an absolutely, totally, no holds barred, honest description of what it means to become a Mother before you actually became a Mother. I often wonder what it would be like if there were advertisements promoting Motherhood. I’d imagine an infomercial for becoming a Mom would probably go something like this:
ANNOUNCER: “Are you tired of sleeping? Are you sick of taking care of yourself or thinking of your needs at all? Do you love incessant crying? Well, if you answered ‘yes’ to any of these, YOU are the perfect candidate for becoming a Mom!
“Aren’t you sick of having a full thought without any interruptions? Don’t you find sitting down to eat three full meals a day so mundane? Are you looking for a way to be ignored by those around you? Do you like being asked the same questions over and over, day after day, for months at a time? Well, look no further! Become a Mom today and you can have all of this and MORE!
“Here are just a few things that YOU can have if you become a Mom:
-Outrageous drama over things like which shirt your child will wear!
-Cleaning entire rooms, then turning around five minutes later to find that they look exactly as they did before you cleaned them!
-Relentless whining and complaining!
-Constantly having to referee fights about things that are completely ridiculous and irrelevant!
-Piles and piles of laundry all over your house from now until forever!
-Noise, Noise, Noise! All the time, NOISE!
“That’s right! No more long, meaningful, coherent, adult conversations for you! Try making a phone call without being interrupted. Go ahead! TRY it! Not working? Haha! Of course not! Welcome to Motherhood! Isn’t it the greatest?”*
*Disclaimer: Becoming a Mom is only sometimes great, but much of the time it is the opposite of great.
Of course this isn’t the way we advertise Motherhood to our loved ones! If we told them the truth, they wouldn’t become Moms, and then we wouldn’t have anyone else to talk to about our adventures. So instead we highlight all the wonderful moments. We talk about first smiles, first steps, and funny anecdotes, all the while hiding some of the most horrible secrets that would send an innocent Mother-to-be screaming for the childless hills.
Being a Mom is one of the greatest (most frustrating), rewarding (irritating) things you will ever do, but it’s definitely easier when you have other Moms around with which to share it. I like to think of it as a secret club, and the only way to get new members is to advertise the good stuff. By the time they figure out the rest, it’s too late for them to change their minds about joining. So do your part and keep lying your asses off, for the good of all mankind.