I, (insert name here) , hereby, do solemnly swear that from this day forward, I will be the best Mom I can be, when I am able to muster the strength and energy to do so. All of the other times, I pledge to be a total hypocrite by doing at least one, but probably all, of the following:
- I will constantly yell at my children to stop yelling at each other.
- I will make my children get dressed in the morning, regardless of whether we have plans to leave the house, while I stay in my pajamas all day (regardless of whether or not we do manage to make it out of the house).
- I will tell my children that they most certainly may not have cookies before dinner. Then I will hide in the pantry, shoving cookies in my mouth while preparing dinner.
- I will insist that my children put their clothes away, but I will leave baskets of clean laundry unfolded for days, or weeks, at a time.
- I will tell my children to stop whining about cleaning up their messes. Then I will whine about constantly having to clean up messes.
- I will make my children go to bed early so that they may be rested for the next day, then proceed to stay up well past midnight with every intention of being productive, but instead, end up wasting time on the internet or watching reruns of shows on TV.
- I will tell my children not to put off till tomorrow what they can do today, while constantly putting things off till tomorrow that I can totally do today.
- I will tell my children that they have to eat a good, healthy breakfast. Then I will eat half of a granola bar, or scraps of their leftover toast, or a brownie, or forget to eat breakfast altogether.
- I will tell my children to clean their rooms while I leave the rest of the house in a state of complete disarray for months.
- I will tell my children that they may only have one cookie for dessert, and then eat 6 to 10 cookies after they go to bed.
- I will tell my children that stealing is wrong, but I will steal their Halloween stash and candy from their birthday party goody bags while they are at school.
I pledge to do all of these things, and probably a bunch more like it, as my Mother before me, and her Mother before her, and all the Mothers in the history of Mothers. Because we are Moms, and we have earned the right to do so.